How does a Trigger feel? Well, I can tell you because I’m in the middle of one right now!!! I’m so upset and angry at myself, at the world and everything in between. Today my Husband was supposed to do something with our kids. And the two youngest had no desire to do so. Our Daughter is up to her ears in school work and our youngest has Autism so he has very little interest in most things. So, that leaves our oldest Son. The Son who suffered the most abuse from my Husband. I have always had an extra soft spot for him because of this. It has been difficult for him to forgive his Dad and to move forward. I would say that right now he is going one step forward and 2 steps back most days.
Well, today he wanted to go off and do what was planned, but in my perception it looked like Dad was skipping around, not wanting to have him come. In the middle of all this he was talking in general how we need to clean up the house. Saying if you don’t have anything to do….clean. You know we just came back from a 10 day vacation, so there is a huge mess. But, what a feel he doesn’t understand is that our house is not just a home….it’s the kid’s school too. I also write, review products and create art pieces. This is more than just a home environment.
Ok, so you’re wondering where the Trigger is in all this rambling….right? A Trigger is just what it sounds like. Something happens and I immediately get pulled back to a certain time in my life that was traumatic. Here it brings me back to the days of being Cruel and excluding our oldest child. His behavior towards him this afternoon reminded me of the beginning stages of abuse in the past. Was it exactly like it was? Oh, heck no! On a scale from 1-10, 10 being right back to the past it was only a 3 or 4. But, it doesn’t matter, neurologically my Body doesn’t understand the difference! That is very Important to understand when you are dealing with Triggers from Trauma. So, you mix that and the attention he called towards the unclean state of our home took me to a dark place. Before discovery he would complain and be negative about everything. We would have company over and he would tear apart my cooking right at the table. Later friends would shake their heads in disbelief and express how confused they were about his actions and words. Every single day he would criticize the house, the kids, my existence, our homeschool and anything he could. I’ll never forget the humiliating conversation he had with me about how he was sick of me putting grease stains on the fronts of his shirts. Let me tell you now that I haven’t touched his clothes in years because I don’t wash clothes the right way. But, he still thinks I somehow bring a spoon of gravy or oil and pour them down his shirt. He can’t admit every day he goes out to eat and spills something on himself. He would call me and accused me of making him forget something or because of my sickness he didn’t sleep well, so now he’s having to get a coffee at work that is making him spend extra money. And then he dropped some on his desk and he had to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah….it just goes on and on. It was so bad that I prayed the Lord would just take me. I thought maybe my Lupus was a way out of all this. My Husband treated me like this every single day for 14 years. And he treated the kids the same way every single day. We were Idiots to him, every day he used the harshest words and he made it known that we were worthless. And that is part of the reason why I stayed. Who would ever want someone like me. I’m better off just dealing with what I have….at least he doesn’t beat me.
So, this happened today and I immediately go in overdrive. Cleaning and organizing like my life truly depends on it. Sharp words and tone, kind of like an I don’t need you in my life tone. Because I don’t want to be the one hurt, so I’ll stink you with my tone. I also have a severe fight or flight sensation over my entire body. I feel as if I could literally pop my soul out of my body and live briefly separated. It’s crazy I know, but there is no other way to explain it. I do disassociate on a regular basis, because growing up I had several abusers who took advantage of me sexually starting at the young age of 3 or 4. So, dissociating was a way of life for me that proved helpful even as an adult. After about 30 minutes to an hour the swirling and fight or flight feeling dissipates and I feel more in control of my mind and body. This usually leaves me real exhausted afterwards. I don’t know if that’s normal or if it’s because I have Lupus that my body feels so exhausted after a Trigger.
In today’s instance I realized after I have calmed down that maybe he didn’t want him to come because he felt awkward or he had a ton of work to do and was looking at using that time to catch up. Maybe he was wanting me to have help from the kids cleaning the house and was putting it out there. No matter what was really going on there are a few important things that need to happen after a Trigger. First, no matter how uncomfortable either one of us feels about a Trigger we have to talk about it. So, tonight if it can wait and yes in this situation it can…but, we will go upstairs or sit at the table and talk about the Trigger. How I felt while it happened and why I felt the way I did. The 2nd important this is for him to listen and not judge. And when the tables are turned and he has a Trigger I do the same thing for him. And lastly trust and safety need to be apparent. If you lose trust it needs to be worked on daily until you have it back. And if you don’t feel safe your Spouse needs to correct that in a way that’s possible in your situation.
So, we will talk tonight and we will see what was really going on. I now can recognize my Triggers, but a year ago I had no idea what the heck was going on. I just fell apart at the seams every time I turned around….thank you Lord for all of our Growth the past 18 months!!!
Recovering in Suburbia 