Well, this weekend our Pastor resigned…..I was shocked, hurt and triggered. I felt abandoned and fooled. He just preformed our Son’s wedding Saturday night and then we woke to the news on Sunday. After a day of collecting the facts and actually talking with mutual friends on the Leadership team, the Pastor himself and his Wife I now have a better picture of what was really going on.
So, why am I mentioning all this? Because living with PTSD and dealing with abandonment issues along with various other little labels that try to sneak away my joy at times…..I’m having a hard time with it. It has caused old thoughts and habits to come into the forefront of my mind. It went something like this……
Tithing is down…..I should have given more!
Attendance is down……Why didn’t I invite more people!
Whatever else is going on behind the scenes……I am alone, how can I continue to grow and know the Lord without his messages and guidance.
I literally thought(more than once) that if I wasn’t so messed up then maybe his messages would have been different and the congregation would be happier and some how some way all the planets would alien and he would magically be there Sunday morning. I say this because seriously almost every message for the past 2 years has related to what was going on with us Spiritually, emotionally, with the Family or in our personal life. It sounds crazy….I know, but being Codependent allows you to think that anything that occurs outside of your control is still somehow your responsibility.
On top of the sadness and guilt I feel abandoned. I know he didn’t “leave me and only me” out on a curb with nothing but a bag of pictures and the clothes on my back. He didn’t, but my 10 Aunts and Uncles did just that after my parents died. Literally on the side of the road with nothing. After hearing about our Pastor all these past emotions, fears and anxieties resurfaced.
I asked myself what can I truly do about this? What is within my power and what do I need to let go and give to God? I mean I can’t feasibly roll around in this unhealthy place for the rest of my life. Two years ago, if I was to be honest with you right now…..I would have hid in my closet and plowed a razor back and forth across my legs until I passed out. That’s not me anymore, the Lord has freed me from that miserable place. But, that doesn’t mean the rest of my life is filled with Sprinkles and Lollipops!!!! When situations like what happened this weekend come up, it is my responsibility to handle it. And Handling it may look different to you then it does to me. For me with this situation I knew I needed to express my thoughts and opinions regarding the quick resignation with the appropriate people. And I did, Step 1 complete!
Then I needed to write out my hurt, why was this effecting me so much? Why was I feeling this abandonment? It goes back to Trust, I trusted him and his sweet Family. Now, they will no longer be apart of my life in the flesh. Kind of like a death when you think about it. I lost something or yet some people and it was out of my control. That is the Panic Push Button right there. I LOST PEOPLE AND I HAD NO CONTROL OVER IT. I also expressed my Love and Gratitude to him and his Wife. I shared exactly what they have done for our Family and that was my Step 2…..completed!!
My Last step was accepting that this situation is not in my control and that God has a plan. No matter what changes in my Life, one thing will remain the same……God is my Savior, He Loves me, Accepts me, Forgives me, Comforts me and will Never Leave My side. Accepting that I am not in control and that God has plans for not just our Family and the Pastor’s Family. But, for every Family in our church. It’s not just about me and my needs and recognizing that the Lord gives and takes away according to His plan gives me peace. I may take away the poinsettia plant that my baby is shredding to pieces with her mouth (obvious danger in my eyes). But, I would replace is with an appropriate beloved toy for her to enjoy. She may cry at first, but then be content and even move happy with the “new” thing that replaced the old. Step 3…..completed!
In just a few short days I have inventoried and arranged my feelings in a way that I could fully look at them…..I needed to strip away the emotions. I got rid of the thoughts that were dragging me down. Answered any questions by locating the information needed to do so. And all that extra energy that I was allowing to fuel my anxiety was put to better use. I got out with others, talked about it, wrote about it, came up with a plan and prayed. I can now place a stamp of VICTORY on top of this situation. Besides several tears shed and a huge bag of M&Ms I worked through this situation beautifully. And there will be many more to come in the following years…..I’m ready!