Reminder of Why I’m Here….

I see you God.jpg

Sometimes we Believe one thing about our life that we suspect is not so, but with handy colored glasses even we can be fooled into thinking what we perceive is actual reality.  I say this because I have lived most of my 39 years that way.  I’m what you would call an expert shape shifter of sorts.  But, it has only come to my attention just recently.  And with that realization comes major responsibility and a tiny bit of relief. Let me tell you all about it, or at least one piece of it.
Some of you know I grew up in Foster Care after my Parents died.  We all know of my physical and sexual abuse.  My life on the streets with my oldest and my struggles with my Health because of Lupus.  Anyone of those things could cause Red Flags with extreme mental breakdowns.  But, what happens when married life creates this safety cocoon and all the bad yucky stuff that happened to you just floats away.  And then your left with the New Normal of suburban life and a huge basket of colored glasses.
Life is Better, much Better then it was before married life I tell myself.  So, when something happens that stirs a little pain or familiar feeling of past Traumas you can do one of two things.  Leave what feels Comfortable and Safe more then Not or grab your basket of colored glasses.  I’ll tell you what I did, I covered my eyes with a new pair of shades.  And what started out as an occasional accessory turned into a daily necessity.  I planned my wardrobe around them and convinced myself that I liked them…..they were my thing, my choice.  Before I knew it I never took them off and my vision was so distorted.
One day, my colored glasses were slapped right off my face.  And with No warning or Consideration to my well being all the pain and truth that had been hidden from me now trampled me and sucked the life right out of me.  To this very day I can recall everything visually around me at that moment.  I remember the hair clip in my hair, the sound of dinner sizzling in the pan and the look on my children’s faces as I fell to my knees in disbelief.  As every past Trauma resurfaced and churned in the depths of my belly it took all I had to confront the Man who was my Protector, Comforter, Soul Mate, Love of My Life, Provider, Daddy to my Sweet Children, My One, My Only, My Other Half, My Adam, My Flesh, My Prince, My Love, My Darling, My Rock, Companion, My Groom, Partner, My Husband…..The Keeper of My Heart.  But, I did and I tossed out all my Colored Glasses!

When I look back now it was all so clear.  I mean it was almost text book material over here.  And with that realization came a dump truck full of self loathing and honestly wondering if I should even be trusted to make a call on when to toss the out dated milk from the fridge.  Everything seemed impossible to deal with, nothing could be trusted and everything was raw.

Now, almost 17 months later I am ready to share the miracle that we have experienced in our Family.

Recovery…..Healing…..Forgiveness…..Understanding

Let, me go on record here 1st by saying I never thought any of those things could possibly happen.  I was ready to walk out the door with my basket of colored glasses.  But, something stopped me.  Actually a feeling stopped me and I know it was the gentle hand of God.  And I’m so very thankful that I chose to stay.  And now I have to get the word out, that there is a way to work through what my marriage has been through.
My Husband has a Sex Addiction and Our Family is alive and well.  Walk along with me as I share my story.

2 thoughts on “Reminder of Why I’m Here….

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