I remember when I first discovered my Husbands addiction my Mind was not my own. My thoughts and feelings were so our of wack that I hardly could recognize myself in the mirror. I resorted to old habits that I had used as a child and teenager to sooth myself….cutting and burning. I ran to it, I had to create some sort of control and I need a familiar pain to somehow cancel out this new pain I had never experienced before. Thankfully my Faith in the Lord was strong enough to shake me from my sudden destructive behavior before it had become a habit. Several weeks into this new life of mine I remember praying and asking God to just show me ONE Marriage that had made it through this. Not just a little nightly porn here and there….I’m talking about the magnitude that my Husband’s addiction was at. I knew if I could just hear from anybody the words that yes, I have seen a couple in your situation forgive, heal and recover from sex addiction I COULD GET THROUGH THIS!!!! Problem was, online I found a lot of negativity. I found a lot of message boards where Husbands were covering up what they were doing and lashing out. I found Blogs that promoted leaving and starting new relationships. I even saw a therapist that promoted anger towards my Husband and I didn’t want to stay in that place….I needed to forgive, not for Him….but for myself.
Thankfully for my Family we found an AMAZING therapist that deals with only sex addiction after Christmas. After a few months with him we started LifeStar. This program is the reason, other then the Lord himself that my Husband and I are still together. We aren’t just still together…..we are in LOVE with each other! We Understand each other! We Pray and Fight for each other! We Communicate and Forgive each other daily!
There was a time before Discovery when I would have described my Husband as a Hateful, Selfish Man. I look at my Husband now and I’m breathless, even at a loss for words. This Man is not the same Man, he even looks different. He is Thoughtful with a Servant’s Heart. He is Kind, Loving and Compassionate. I have Lupus and with that comes many ER trips and health issues. Here recently my joints have been hurting extremely bad and last night as he offered to rub medicine on my knees and hands I teared up. I remembered the many times when I had to take myself in the middle of the night to the Emergency room alone. Nurses would be shocked, how did you drive yourself they would ask? It was embarrassing to have other people know how unimportant you were to the one person in your life that you should be a Priority to. Now, life looks Nothing like that……a few days ago I was getting into the shower and I noticed he got himself a new bar of soap. And he also took out one of my girly soaps that he hates and put it out on the shelf too. That was so thoughtful….that was sooooo my sweet Husband. If you would have asked me 2 years ago if he would have ever done that for me I would have laughed. I would have never believed that our Marriage would ever be a Godly Marriage. Especially after I Discovered his Secret Life. But, I am here to tell You that it is possible! With God, Hard Work and Commitment from You Both Your marriage can Heal and Recover…we are living proof of that Miracle!
Praying for You all this Week!!!