Transparency is Key for Success

leavesMy Husband came home from work the other day and after we welcomed each other he had something he wanted to share with me.  He needed to be transparent.  In the beginning….2 years ago I would have feelings of despair, anxiety and hopelessness like I felt from the on start of Discovery when he needed to tell me something.  But, since then I have realized that I need to be calm, thankful and receiving to him.  I remind myself that he is coming to me with a heavy heart and how I respond can either have him walk away feeling relaxed, confident, assured and connected or full of guilt and shame with possible regret for talking about what happened.  I would rather take the first and if what he says to me is a Big deal then we will handle it.  But, most of the time what he tells me…..compared to what he has done in the past while he was acting out is very minor in my eyes.  BUT, TO HIM IT LEADS DOWN TO A SLIPPERY SLOPE THAT HE WANTS NO PART OF!  Which is why I’m thankful for his need to be truthful and transparent to me!

So, he whipped out his phone.  Yes, he now has a working cell phone with internet, texting and so forth.  He explained that in his Men’s recovery small group at church there was some chatter back and forth during the day.  It’s one of the guy’s birthday and someone made a stripper comment.  I asked him how that made him feel, we then talked about it and then I asked him what I could do if anything.  I mean really it’s just about being supportive, but I know it can be hard especially in the beginning or if your Husband continues to slip and act out.

Come to find out the text did bother him a little.  He said that it revealed the maturity level of this particular person and he knows that he needs to be careful with this person’s intentions.  It also recalled a generic image that he was successful at dismissing it instead of mulling it over and over.  That’s key for him, if he has a vision or thought he quickly replaces it with something appropriate and positive.  If he physically sees something he changes his focus on what he’s presently doing….like driving, being with the Family or whatever he’s doing before the distraction.  The key to success here is to not dwell on the trigger image, person or text in this situation.  You just quickly give it to God and continue on with your day.  I remember a time when we would stop and pray for the women he had been with whenever we would think of them.  One night I drew a painting representing these women that I looked at daily as I prayed for them.  I know that’s a whole other post.

I’m praying for all of you as you walk through your days…just give your fears and worries to God.  You don’t have to carry the burden alone!

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