The Cycle Goes On and On…..Till You Hop Off

When I discovered my Husband was a Sex Addict I struggled Big Time with ruminating.  I couldn’t shake the thoughts and visions I had in my head.  I would troll craigslist, go through old calendars to try and remember if he was with us or not.  I would go through old receipts, scan every single business establishment while driving to try and see if there was a massage place there.  I was torturing myself by driving by hotels and massage places.  I would cry and then get angry, it was an emotional roller coaster that honestly was no fun, had no benefits and was immensely harmful to me.

Why did I do that to myself??????  Because I was trying to make Logic of this catastrophe that happened to my Family.  I was trying to Understand how he could leave our loving Family and head to the arms of a prostitute.  What was he getting out of this, it must have been this amazing wonderful thing.  Was it Love, Excitement, Romance, Adventure?  No, it was none of those things…..and because I couldn’t stop digging up things I actually found some of the women he was with online.  Trust me when I say this…..these woman were not supermodels, I was flooooooooooored.  I was so shocked and disgusted at what he would find acceptable to have sex with.  But, that was me trying to find the Logic in a situation that clearly was not Logical.

Finally understanding that helped me to see the sickness for what it really was…..a sickness.  This had nothing to do with beauty, love, romance and commitment.  My Husband used these woman like an object to try and fill a God Shaped hole that he had been caring around with him since he was 8 years old.  Just like a food addict would eat a Krispy Kreme doughnut or a gas station doughnut.  It doesn’t matter as long as they get to try and smush it into their God Shaped Hole.  Each time thinking that THIS will Fill it this time and Keep it Filled!  Then comes the Guilt, the Shame, the Isolation, possibly some Anger and then the Need again to Self Medicate by Acting Out once again.  It’s a Cycle People and until they realize what they truly Need to fill that Hole they will continuously ride the Cycle until they hit Rock Bottom.

What was my Rock Bottom?  When I had my Son who has Autism with me sitting in a masage parlor’s parking lot that I knew my Husband had been to.  I sat there watching people, mainly men going in and out.  I wanted to jump out and scream at them.  To some how make them realise what they were doing to their families at home.  I wanted to go in and shake some sense into the woman sexing it up with all those men, to tell them that they are so much more then that.  Through the tears and hiperventilation that was happening in the front seat of my van I saw my sweet boy looking out the window up at the sky.  He asked, “Momma…do you think God is with us all the time or just when our hearts are the saddest?”  It caused me to stop and remind myself that I am not alone in this…. which make me think about the song from Kari Jobe

When I walk through deep waters
I know that you will be with me
When I’m standing in the fire
I will not be overcome

Through the valley of the shadow
Oh I will not fear

I am not alone
I am not alone
You will go before me
You will never leave me

In the midst of deep sorrow
I see your light is breaking through
The dark night will not over take me
I am pressing into you
Lord you fight my every battle
And I will not fear

You amaze me
Redeem me
You call me as your own

You’re my strength
You’re my defender
You’re my refuge in the storm

Through these trials
You have always been faithful
You bring healing to my soul

 We are not alone….we can all get through this with the Lord. 🙂

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