The past several days I’ve just been in a funk. I’ve been continuously going through this roller coaster of emotions towards my Husband. It wasn’t until yesterday during my therapy session that I put 2 and 2 together and figured out what was really going on.
Because of years of my Husband’s criticizing and belittling me I still have wounds. Just because he is in Recovery doesn’t mean all the pain clears up and goes away. Those wounds are healing, but if a situation or tone in his voice comes up those wounds can open back up. The other day was a long day and I was in a lot of pain from my Lupus. I’d promised the kids a trip to the movies and my Daughter wanted to take some pictures on the way there and before the movie. I knew that we had to go to our Couples class at church and dinner needed to happen at some point, but I needed to make good on my promise to the kids too. After the movie the kids played a few arcade games and then we came straight home. I talked to Hubby on the phone as he was driving home from work. Everything was perfect and calm…..I started to close down my computer and saw an email that needed attention asap when all of a sudden my Daughter ran downstairs and told me she had left the camera bag at the theater. Over $1,000 worth of camera equipment in that bag….camera and all! I freaked and was like let’s go hurry…..we left, I was razor focused on getting there safely and quickly. I don’t think I even breathed until I saw her come around the theater corner with it in her hands. We were all crying at that point. Not, because she almost lost the camera…but, because our bodies were reacting to the situation. Our bodies knew 2 years ago my Husband would have FLIPPED! He would have probably screamed and called us some awful words and then finally ignore and punish us for the next several days maybe even weeks. He used to be so cruel and verbally abusive even to the kiddos.
Hubby called us as we were rushing home from the theater. He was like where are you? What happened, I’m home and nobody is here and the dogs were left out in the backyard? Our bodies were in flight or fight mode, I realize that now. But, at that moment I felt attacked by him, like he was accusing me. In my mind I could hear him telling me how I was an idiot for letting her bring the camera. And so many other things I don’t even want to remember right now. So, once we arrived home he announced that he guessed we would have to eat after church now. And once again I flipped inside, feeling attacked for not having dinner done, maybe we shouldn’t have went to the movies so late….blah, blah, blah…..you know the tape I’m listening to in my head. So, what do I do? I shut down, just like I have done for years. Sooooo unhealthy I know! Once we went to church I was so ramped I couldn’t even sit down I had to stand up in the back of the church. I was in fight or flight mode…..
When we came home I started cooking as fast as I could…it was 9pm, we were all starving! As I was chopping everything my Husband said to me I was taking it the wrong way and he was getting flared…it was a mess. We kind of both felt like failures on communication. I mean we have already worked through all this stuff, right? We normally since Recovery have been great about communication. Well, what we have learned from all this is that everyday is a new day and you have to work on your Recovery everyday…and every aspect of it. We were reminded that triggers don’t have to be something to do with him acting out. It can be something that reminds our bodies of something from the past and it will react like it did in the past.
I came home yesterday and we talked about my therapy session and how the past few weeks had been going. We came to the realization that he just wants to fix any problem I have. But, that’s not possible and I don’t always need him to “fix” my problems for me. By me shutting down or not accepting his help makes him feel rejected and that puts fear in his heart. He has fear I will be over all this Recovery stuff and want to leave. I thought I was the only one walking around with this fear. We figured out that when I’m trying to do something that I’m struggling to accomplish I feel like a failure if I allow him to do the task for me. We discussed the reason behind all that is probably from the years of him telling me how I was a failure. The conversation was great and it ended with us understanding why each of us respond and behave the way we have been off and on during this whole Recovery process. We forgave each other for any hurt, we prayed together and vowed to communicate with each other more quickly then trying to “figure out” the other person. 🙂