Question Time!!!!! Ok, Confused and Scared sent me an email last night asking me this question…..What do you do when your Husband doesn’t think he has a sex addiction. I know that he does because I have caught porn on our Family computer a million times and he constantly tells me he will stop. He comes home late almost every night and I’ve found numerous debit card charges and withdraws that he can’t account for. He says I’m crazy, am I? What do I do now?
Confused and Scared I am so sorry you are going through this right now and No….You are Not Crazy!!! The number one thing you need to do is make sure that you are safe and if you have children that they are as well. You need to do something I knew Nothing about 2 years ago….MAKE BOUNDARIES! Whatever they are for you, set them and then come up with consequences. Once you establish those then tell them to him.
Here are a few of mine for my Husband….
1. There will be NO sexual behavior with self or another person…physically, verbally, visually…nothing at all except with me.
2. He must remain in a Recovery program and personal counseling indefinitely.
3. If he Objectifies, slips in any way or has questionable thoughts he has 24 hours to tell me.
4. If at any time I feel Triggered or He slips or comes close to a slip we will talk about it, be kind and respectful of each other no matter what.
If these are broken then we can not continue to be Married. For the safety of his family he agrees 100%! If he sees a prostitute then I’m gone. If he has a slip and doesn’t tell me till a week later…..I’m gone. If he wants to stop working his Recovery Program….I can’t stay safe around him and we need to part ways. If there is a slip or trigger and we can’t love each other and support each other than we need to go our separate ways.
It may seem harsh or impossible to keep, but it’s not. If he keeps to these boundaries then I can heal, the Family can heal, forgive and move on.
Back to the question…..after you come up with some boundaries like seeking out a sex addiction therapist for a consult. Going to a certain amount of sessions and then assessing the health of your marriage. If he thinks there is no problem then he wont mind putting your mind at ease and he will go to a few sessions. They will be able to ask the right questions to determine where he is at as far as having an addiction. As for the porn on the family computer, that’s not ok. The average child is exposed to pornographic images by accident around the age of 5-7. That’s crazy talk!!! Discus that if there is no problem then you can install web protection like K9 or Covenant Eyes. And as for the money being spent, if he can’t tell you what it was for then he may be up to no good. Trust your Better Judgement, what is your gut saying to you? Please trust it!!
You need to also seek out your own help, a support group a SA therapist, group of friends, family, church group even a trusted co-worker. If he is not willing to at least explore the idea that he may have a sex addiction, if anything to put your mind at ease and to strengthen your bond then maybe you may need some time apart. And that can look like a long trip to Grandma’s house, Hubby sleeping in the guest room or a pillow in-between the two of you. In the beginning we did the pillow thing. I loved him, he was working on recovery, but there was no trust. I didn’t want to disrupt our Son who has Autism, so we tried to keep it looking normal for him. That lasted weeks until some trust was earned back. Not only does this give you peace of mind about your safety, but it tells your spouse that maybe in the past you let things slide by, but you mean BUSINESS now!!!
Another Huge thing you need to do is Pray. And I don’t mean to beg and promise pray. You know those prayers where you try to bargain with the Lord to do something and in return you will do this or give up that. Yeah, that doesn’t work too well. 🙂 Seriously fall to your knees and pray like it’s your last prayer….he is your Heavenly Father and wanting to guild, protect and love you. If you are going to surrender your heart, marriage and your everything to him you need to be ready to listen. He may say something you don’t want to hear. It may require hard work, decisions and letting go of the very thing you are trying so hard to control and hold on to. I know…..I’ve been there and every single day I’m back down on my knees humbled by God’s presence in my life!
I’m praying for You Confused and Scared, I’ll keep your Family close to my Heart!!!