When it came out that my Husband had a sex addiction I was obviously hurt because I was his Wife and this was the ultimate betrayal. But, I also was hurt because I am a victim of sexual abuse. From the time I was 3 years old until I was out of Foster Care at 19. My WHOLE life men acted uncontrollably around me and it made me Sick to think my Sweet Husband who I thought hung the moon and brightened the stars acted out uncontrollably. Here is another snippet of my past…..these posts of my past are important because it shows you where I came from and even though it is a work in progress I was able to forgive my Husband for his betrayal and we are enjoying a wonderful life in Recovery together. He is in Recovery for sex addiction and I’m in Recovery from my Life……you will understand more the longer you stick around here with me. 🙂
And so let me begin……I had just come home from school and my Mom was getting up to go to the bathroom. I hugged her dearly and then grabbed a left over meals on wheels plate and tore open the chocolate milk. I was sitting staring at one of Mom’s soap operas when there was a knock on the screen door. It was my grandpa coming to drop off some sweet Zellwood corn. I hollered to Mom that he was here and then sat back down on her hospital bed to hunt for her stash of graham crackers.
Now my whole family jokes about how Grandpa is a flirt and just a dirty old man and they always say he’s harmless and just plain old. My cousins would say he does it to everyone; it’s not a big deal. I guess I was embarrassed that all the touching bothered me. I didn’t like it at all. He repulsed me, just the sight of him. His touch creeped me out every time I endured it. I remember trying to always make sure Dad or someone from the church was around when he was near me, but it didn’t always work that way. I know now after 19 months of therapy that I had a humongous amount of fear, shame and guilt around the sexual abuse in my Family. I didn’t like it like the others looked like they liked it. But, I know now that they were just surviving….just like me.
This particular day I was 12 years old and he asked me to sit down on his lap. I hesitated but he gave me an authoritative look. I went over and he hugged me super tight. I could smell peanuts on his breath and old man cologne. He rubbed my face with his rough cheek and placed my hand in his pants. Oh, how it made me sick to do this. I hated him for this. I thought to myself, don’t I have enough to go through right now with dealing with the loss of my Dad and my Mom being so sick. He started to grab my chest and held me down on the floor face first just rubbing me. I felt so worthless, like a piece of garbage. This is all I was to him, someone he could break down and touch. I was someone he could control and in his hopes to gain superiority I was left to feel dirty,ruined and in pain. Though I was usually very quiet as I had learned it was better to just comply and not fuss I still screamed inside to God for safety.
I never told, I never told my Mom and Dad. This had been going on for years and I hated myself for not telling until my mid twenties and then I just let it go. I Never told my Mom until that very day. This was the day I told. After several minutes of his grouping hands and pinches the toilet flushed. And for the first time ever he put his index finger to his mouth and looked me straight in the eye. I looked up at him so scared and he told me don’t you ever tell your Momma what I do to you. I swear it was like he had punched me in the gut and tossed me across the room. I was so frightened by what he had just said I couldn’t even think. He must have noticed the look in my eyes, the look of realization that something’s not right here, It was the look of I just found out that the problem is with you, you are the freak grandfather. Not me, I am not the problem. You can’t control me! Never again will you ever make me touch your nasty, sweaty crotch. You will never look or touch me under my shirt again. You will never touch me between my legs or put your mouth on me again!
He got up quickly to leave and he never touched me again, that battle was over. Mom came in the room and asked where he was. Now I know better than to upset Mom, the doctors and everyone always told me how we couldn’t upset her and cause her unnecessary stress. But, I felt this was necessary. I started rambling on and on about all the picnics, family gatherings, when he would corner me into an empty Sunday school room at church. The things he would do with my body and that most of the time I was not alone. There were other kids that were involved too. It all poured out of me like I had just pulled the cork from the ocean’s floor. And she held me and screamed apologies, we rocked back and forth and cried together. Mom told me how he used to chase her around the table trying to catch her to abuse her too. She kept saying how stupid she was because she did not protect me when she knew what he was capable of. She told me about the scary nights she had as a little girl. Having to live under the same roof with him. I can’t bear to even type the words she said to me that day….he was an awful man.
Mom decided to call one of her sisters and she rushed on over fearing something was wrong with Mom. Mom told her everything I had said. I felt like I was on trial for doing something wrong the way my Aunt looked at me. She started in on how he was a good church man and he’s just an old man. All men get like that when they get older. She kept looking at me with her face all twisted like I was the one holding down little children. Hey lady I was the child in this picture here!! I couldn’t believe my ears, she called him and asked about the whole thing, and Sheila said this Daddy. Yes, ohh, ok. Yes Daddy. Blah, blah, blah. I felt like I was being boxed into a corner. I was having irrational thoughts at this point. I remember fearing that what if she told him to come over and said here you go Daddy, take her. We know you are a good, Christian man. Now Sheila shut up and take it, like we all had to. That’s exactly how I felt this was all going to go down. I know now that I have struggled with abandonment issues my whole adulthood. But, as you can see Adults in my life did abandon me….when you protect the abuser and not the child you abandon them, you fail to protect. I have had numerous people abandon me and when my Husband confessed to me what he did with all of those women he too had abandoned me. Every time he decided to meet a prostitute he abandoned me. When he would watch porn or go to the strip club…..he abandoned me. If you question that think about the possible consequences of doing those acts and the outcome that can come from them. Addicts are not in their right mind to decipher what can come from their acting out….I understand that all now. I know when he was acting out he wasn’t thinking about possibly getting Aids or some other STD and then giving it to me. He wasn’t thinking that wow the Police could come and barge in and arrest me at anytime. Or that I’m in such a bad neighborhood I wouldn’t even want my Family down here in the daytime. He wasn’t thinking he might get shot or robbed. He didn’t stop when he continuously kept getting a skin fungus on his junk which now we all know why! :O Or when I had over 20 urinary tract infections in 1 year and needed surgery he never thought to think it was from the 90+ women he was with. Because my wonderful Husband was in DENIAL he couldn’t see those consequences….he was all about self gratification….in a fantasy land. But, thankfully God met him at his lowest place and has built him back up to a better man then he started from! 🙂
Quick Definition of Abandon:
Ok, back to my post…… I did what I learned to do best, I ran as fast as I could out the front door. I remember hearing Mom screaming to my aunt how she was going to lose her baby. Go after her she screamed, please. I was gone and it felt good to feel the wind rush in and out of my lungs. The pain in my side and chest helped me to know that yes, I was still alive. FYI….I am still a runner and when things get tough I retreat and hide. I’m working on that right now….
I slowed down and turned into a neighborhood. I had never been there before and it felt nice to be somewhere new. Nobody knew me; I was the outsider looking into their windows. I saw kids playing, mom’s bringing in groceries, fathers mowing lawns. Yeah, I’ll take this one I thought. I want this kind of life. Not the screwed up one down the road.
I walked until after dark and then I started to worry about Momma. There was no need for her to be upset and worry about me. God forbid what if something has happened to her and I’m not there to take charge. So I walked and then I ran so I could get there sooner. And when I reached our yard I stood there. There she was sitting on her bed with her legs dangling over the side. She had her red shawl like blanket over her shoulders. She was scared and worried, I could just tell. And for a minute I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. To have had such a beautiful family at one time. There was so much love in our home. And now looking at her it was my responsibility to care for her and love her like she’s always done for me. I was going to keep our love alive and I knew our love would keep her alive.
I walked in the door and she had tears pouring from her eyes. The relief of me finally walking through that door was all over her face. I dropped down on my knees in front of her and cried she rubbed my head and told me he would never touch me again. She said that Daddy is probably rolling in his grave and that he would have killed him if he would have known. We finally went to bed after a long talk and I felt safe that night. Safe from my grandpa and safe from death.