Come into the Light…..

2014-07-03 09.05.15I never in a million years thought my Husband would ever struggle with sex addiction!  I mean really, like that is a real thing!  Our daughter literally said that she would have believed that her Dad murdered someone before sleeping with prostitutes.  I think because he was always home.  He went to work in the morning, came home afterwards.  Never missed a Holiday or went out with friends. We just had no idea that he would be doing that.

He would come home at 7 or so every single night and have dinner with us.  We would wait till he got home so we could eat together.  Now he is home most days between 5 and 5:30, huge change!  After dinner he would go up and play video games until 11 or midnight, sometimes even later.  And I was left to get the kids to bed, clean up and was just by myself.  I was so lonely back then.  This went on for about 6 or 7 years, but he hasn’t even gotten on the computer since I found out about his addiction besides for work.

So, how did this all go down?  Well, he started watching porn around 10 years old.  Maybe even a little younger than that.  He watched it basically up until he met me when he was 22-23ish and then he kind of put it away for a little while.  He tried to get me to watch it with him a few times, but I wasn’t in to it and was like no thanks!  At the time I didn’t think twice about it, I didn’t know it was red flag to maybe ask a few questions, that is could turn into something like an addiction.  It wasn’t until I became deathly ill with Lupus about 5 years later that I found some disgusting porn on the computer and I was so embarrassed and upset.  I thought how could he do this while I’m literally knocking on death’s door.  He may need to raise our two kids alone without me, but he’s whacking off to the computer screen.  I was hurt and devastated and when I confronted him he was like every guy watches porn and that the only reason why I didn’t like it was because of my sexual abusive past.  He made me feel guilty for being sick and not physically being able to have sex.  I mean I was in a wheelchair for months and struggling with pain management.

Even though he wasn’t happy about it he said he would stop.  Then I caught him again a few years later and it shocked me, because I was much healthier due to a few years of chemotherapy treatments and sexually we were fine.  I came down super hard and we even went to therapy.  But, he was angry, denied that it was a problem and fought me the whole time.  We stopped going and I was blinded again with another pregnancy.  Life became so super busy and he slipped away further and further.  Little did I know that during this time he was watching more and more and a friend took him to a strip club.  Once that happened he was pulled down a very dark path that would land him into a world of lies, betrayal and self loathing.

After the birth of our son he started going to massage parlors thanks to that same friend.  He would go during work hours, which is why he stayed so late.  He would take hours during the day watching porn and searching craigslist and backpage for ads of women offering massage.  This went on for about 5 or 6 years.  He had a cycle of searching and searching, acting out, feeling disgust and shame, anger and then wanting to make himself feel better he would start searching again.  And 90+ women he was a full-blown addict!

He was a nasty, nasty, hateful person!  You have no idea the personality change that took place with this man.  He was so awful to his children, I can hardly type this out through the tears.  I will be sharing these stories of course, but it is so important for me to get that point across.  I spent so many years and stacks of self-help books trying to fix me.  I thought the problem was me.  That if I fixed me, he would act differently.  And sadly, the kids felt the same way.

When you are willing to lose your job, jeopardize your own life, put yourself in dangerous environments, risk the safety of your family, literally throw away all of your family’s money, lie to your wife and children, and continue to do things in secret that make you feel like trash until you crave to do it again in the hopes that THIS time IT will make me FEEL BETTER……you have a PROBLEM.  You need help to stop this crazy cycle!

The man I call Husband today is the man I fell in love with years ago, I lost him for almost 13 years!  He told me just the other day how Blessed he feels and how FREE he is.  That he doesn’t have to worry about juggling time and worrying about what’s on his phone, computer or a receipt.  He feels no burden or worry and the relief of being in Recovery outweighs any cheap thrills.  But, the biggest thing he has learned is with any addiction, the addict is looking to feel better, to escape, to handle the feelings they have.  He has learned safe, healthy alternatives to soothing his pain and to recognize when he needs to reach out.  No more hiding for him, addicts hide their addiction.  My Husband is out in the light now, thank you Lord!!!

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